


Upfront

by orphan_account



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Humor, Urination
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-16
Updated: 2019-09-16
Packaged: 2020-10-19 22:49:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20665100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: What if..the Doctor had common sense?





	1. Expelling

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [No Excuses](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18182819) by [Forget_About_Me](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Forget_About_Me/pseuds/Forget_About_Me). 
  * Inspired by [Detox Consequences](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18389942) by [Forget_About_Me](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Forget_About_Me/pseuds/Forget_About_Me). 
  * Inspired by [Double Detoxing](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18807829) by [Forget_About_Me](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Forget_About_Me/pseuds/Forget_About_Me). 
  * Inspired by [How Not To treat Your Body: A Doctor's Guide](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17185571) by [Forget_About_Me](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Forget_About_Me/pseuds/Forget_About_Me). 

“All I need to do now, is  _ expel _ it,” the Doctor informed Doctor Jones. He did a slight hop of discomfort and sprang towards the door.

“Hang on! You can’t go out there. What if there are more “Slabs” or Judoon?” Martha asked, barely believing the words she was using. 

“Yes I can, and yes I will,” the Doctor panted in rebuttal, opening the door. He looked around. There were no signs to the toilets. 

“What? No signs?..” he muttered in disbelief and frustration. 

“What are you looking for?” Martha asked.

The Doctor scratched his ear hesitantly, whilst doing a little dance. Said dance answered her question. 

“Oh, right. Place to expel it..this way!” she beckoned him down the hallway. They quickly reached a door with a “men’s room” symbol on it. 

“Thanks,” the Doctor stated politely. “You’re right, oughta keep a lookout, I won’t be long,“ he assured her, stepping inside hurriedly. A long stream of peeing, accompanied by moaning, could be heard from inside.

Martha made a thumbs up and simply leaned at the wall until he returned. 


	2. Willies

Shakespeare asked his company if either of them needed a leak. Martha nodded. The Doctor just shrugged.

“That’s a yes or no question, Doctor” Martha pointed out in amusement.

He tilted his head in thought. 

On one hand, he  _ had gone  _ just the day before in the hospital. But on the other hand, his body may have treated that as something else, and saved some liquid after the fact, to prevent dehydration.

He didn’t feel any discomfort in particular, but. When it came to overdosing on dangerous substances, like roentgen radiation, it didn’t seem uncharacteristic of his bladder to surprise him with an extreme need. 

“You’re not sure?” Martha asked quietly. 

“No, and that’s rare. I tend to be sure about a lot of things, most things really,” The Doctor remarked.

Martha led the Doctor away so she could “examine him”

“Alright, let’s think like the doctors we are; Do you feel any signs of needing to go. At all?” she started her questioning.

“Slightly. Probably not very much though,” the Doctor frowned dismissively. 

“But there is something?” Martha emphasized. 

The Doctor put a hand to his bladder. There  _ was _ a slight pain response, protesting the “stabbery”. 

“Yeah, alright,” he nodded in agreement, walking quickly back to Shakespeare.

Shakespeare found himself an empty barrel, while the Doctor picked a nice wall, further down the street, with the reason that “I’m not shaking my spear next to yours!” which made the Bard laugh, and dismiss the, at that period in time, “odd” behaviour. 

Small amount or not, the Doctor did manage to let go of a decent stream, which did feel good. He pinched the  _ tip _ and jiggled his member to get the last bits out. If his bladder insisted on wasting time, he could at least indulge it properly. 

  
“You know you don’t have to do that? Just give it time,” William advised, peeking behind him. 

“Mind your own willie, Willie” The Doctor murmured, zipping up. 


	3. Abrupt Academics

Donna noticed the Doctor suddenly standing up and walking by her chair. 

“Hang on, where are you going?” Donna asked, concerned. 

“To the toilet, if I can find it,” he informed her, raising his eyebrows in emphasis of his need. The Doctor turned his head both ways, observing the hallway, with no result. 

“D’you think Martha might know where it is?” the Doctor asked Donna. 

“Know where what is?” Martha responded, as she walked in the door.

“The loo,” he explained. 

“Second door on the left,” Martha stated. 

“Thanks. Back in a minute,” the Doctor remarked, running out of the room. 

He located it successfully. 


	4. Facilities

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Apparently, one _can_ excuse themselves at a dinner party.

“You’re being awfully quiet,” Colonel Curbishely noted, upon the sight of the Doctor putting soup on his spoon and pouring it out again, for the third time. 

“Yeah, I’m just not feeling so good,” The Doctor remarked, dabbing some water on his forehead, which was pulsing slightly in pain.

“Is it the cyanide?” Agatha asked, curiously. 

“I’m alright,” he assured her, albeit with a confirming nod.

Agatha studied his condition. The man seemed fine indeed, besides what seemed to be mild fatigue and a headache. To be expected, if cyanide poisoning was to be compared to a hangover. After all, somehow, the Doctor recovered significantly after **blowing steam out of his mouth**. 

She also noticed something else; which exceptionally enlightened her as to his condition: The Doctor was bobbing his leg up and down, and shifting slightly in his chair. This activated some sympathy, as the worst moment to need the loo, _she knew_, is when one is at a dinner party. 

“Do you need to use the facilities?” Christie asked the Doctor helpfully. 

“Quite right.” The Doctor replied, putting his hands in his lap, and leaning forward to address Lady Eddison. 

  
“My lady?..” he hinted at her politely, with his eyes. 

“Left of the stairwell, next to the drawing-room,” Eddison directed him kindly. 

  
“Very helpful, Lady Eddison, I’ll just be a moment then,” the Doctor thanked her, moving his chair out, and bowing respectfully at his hosts as he headed out the door. Colonel Curbishley nodded understandingly. 

***

“My my, I do say the lavatory helped your complexion, Doctor” Curbishley noted, upon seeing the Doctor’s face restored to its former spirit. 

“Yes, I feel tremendously better,” The Doctor greeted, stretching his legs and arms in satisfaction. He made an “emptying” gesture at Agatha, who patted his hand knowingly, as he sat back down. After some non-verbal encouragement from Donna, he resumed his consumption of soup. 


	5. Breaking the Silence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor's bladder wishes to _spoil_ his day just a bit.

If Donna hadn’t been there, the Doctor would’ve rolled his eyes at his biology. He was a Lord of Time, and yet, his bladder was never punctual. At least, not in a way that was socially convenient to him. With a small quiet sigh, he began to walk away from Donna. 

“Donna, I’ve gotta go back to the TARDIS for just a minute,” he explained vaguely. 

“Why? Did you forget something?” Donna asked. 

“Sort of. I’ve suddenly realized I need the loo, and I’ve never been here before.. Back in a sec,” the Doctor informed her, running off. Donna shook her head at the sight of the Doctor’s tight running pose. 

***

“You didn’t read any of these?” The Doctor double-checked, pointing at the spoiler-y books. Donna shook her head in annoyance. 

“Riddle me this, Spaceman: why didn’t you use the loo before we left?” Donna raised an eyebrow questioningly. 

“Didn’t need to, unfortunately,” he answered, rolling his eyes  _ obviously. _

“Yeah, I think you did,” Donna suggested. 

“What.” 

“You don’t double-check your body. You just wait until your bladder loudly notifies that you need to go. You could save a lot of time just by listening to your body. “ she recommended.

“That..is a very good point. I may very well try that.” The Doctor noted.


End file.
